Inner battle : Missing Dad?

I’ve witnessed Cancer’s strong sting on several occasions. I lost my god-mother to breast cancer, my friend’s mum to ovarian cancer and my dad to colon cancer. Well, I don’t like talking about my dad. I just don’t like talking about him. I try to remain strong by not remembering the good times we had together; I and dad. The thing is that just like Dorner said, missing someone is another way of remembering that person. I don’t miss dad. I honestly don’t and I think it’s weird.

However, each time I got across a bridge or did something really remarkable, I still felt and saw the smile and happiness on his face as if he were there. At a point, I started feeling bad for not missing him, or not missing him enough. I felt bad that I  only felt him around me when I made mum proud. Mum even feels it too because she always goes like; “Your dad would have been so proud of you if he were here”. 

After I analysed why I don’t miss  dad, I discovered that I still blame him. For not telling us he had cancer, for not  getting treatment, for not considering how bad we would feel if he left, for not having faith to the end. He always taught us to have faith, why didn’t he have faith to the end? Why? I blamed him for all  that and I ended up not feeling sorry. I felt he was just selfish. He probably thought only about himself; the pains he was feeling and felt ” Okay, I guess I can’t do this no more, I just have to go”. Selfish dad! He didn’t know his pain was “our” pain.Mum always cried and prayed that he got better as he went down everyday. Yet, he insisted  nothing serious was wrong  with him. He started keeping check of everything, everyday. Trying to make everyday count; his last days on this pitifully painful journey. Mum found out he had cancer a day before he died. The rest of the family found out after he already died. 

I don’t feel sorry for not missing dad. I don’t want to go back to the past. I love the way I feel happy to know he’d be saying “That’s my daughter!”if he were here. 

To me, that’s enough. To me that was what he wished for; to watch us from afar. To me, his wish was being fulfilled. To me that’s the much I can do for him. To me, I still love him and I still miss him and I would never  get over his death completely.  To me, he’s been and is always here.

“This one’s for you and me, living out our dreams
We’re all right where we should be
With my arms out wide I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see
Is a sky full of lighters
A sky full of lighters”.  -Eminem Lighter ft Bruno Mars

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3 thoughts on “Inner battle : Missing Dad?

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  1. Cold blood rushed down my spine as I read this piece, these are strong emotions penned down. We miss him, he knows.. Yes he knows!, then we should be strong for ourselves.

    Liked by 2 people

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